He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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