I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
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