Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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