I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
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To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
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I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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