You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
