You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
