she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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