I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
