Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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