I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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