I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
