The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
