FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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