you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people