meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
