I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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