The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
she told me i tasted like america
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
