having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
