when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
