i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Are my feet made of real feet?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
