there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and she was petting her beer can
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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