I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
