Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
