Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
