You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My cat gives me a boner
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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