I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
