Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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