my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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