see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You can't special order awesome
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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