I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
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