How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We're too hungover to prance.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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