well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
