hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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