My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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