just tell him i said nine months
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
