no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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