Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
