i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
