I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
