She went from zero to smokin in five shots
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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