and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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