Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
