I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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