seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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