im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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