Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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