C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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