why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
