dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
