Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
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luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
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When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just wanna be euthanized
It's so Britney 2007, you know?