there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus