after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!