I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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