We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
