1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
