69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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